Models & Zombies, Guns & Burt

I found this great picture on Blastr.

Very silly, but very true. The skin and bones look and the “high fashion” hunched poses that models do make them look exactly like the undead.

On another note, completely unrelated, I don’t know if Burt would survive the zombie outbreak. Mark likes to point this old, unloaded pellet gun at him and he goes nuts. Take a look:

If he does that with every gun, he’d give up our position or get into the fray during an attack. Not good.

Unfortunately, I’ve got a bit of writer’s block today. These were the things I wanted to talk about, but I find myself without words. I’ll try to revisit this later.

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Published in: on January 5, 2011 at 8:03 am  Leave a Comment  
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Where?

Things have been crazy lately. Started a new job, the holiday season just passed. I haven’t gotten the chance to write at all and for that I’m sorry.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about places lately. What would the ideal place to wait out the zombie apocalypse? In Dawn of the Dead: stuck in a mall. While there would be many amenities, like beds and clothes, a large space, gates for fortification… what about food? I realize there are many places to eat in the food court, but it’s likely that they rely more on fresh and frozen foods rather than canned. Without any power, the freezers and refrigerators wouldn’t work and the food would go bad.

Then there’s the graphic novel of The Walking Dead, the group does not go to the CDC, but to a prison. A prison is fortified, likely has a large stash of canned food meant for the inmates, and has enough space to hold many people. There’s also probably a big stash of emergency weapons for staff in the event of a riot. Pretty good, right?

Most people would be stuck in their homes. Many homes don’t have large stocks of cans, unless they’re the type that are waiting for an impending apocalypse, like Y2K. Large windows pose a danger, as do the lack of bars and space. Some houses are also in valleys, which isn’t as desirable as on a hill. It’s more difficult to go up than down.

Mark and I have decided that, although we have too many windows and a lack of firepower, the house is relatively sound. We’re on a hill on all sides and have an unbelievable cache of canned and dry goods. We’d be okay for a month or two, I suppose.

Where would your ideal place be? Do you think your house would be a decent place to hole up?

Published in: on January 4, 2011 at 8:37 am  Leave a Comment  
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Smaller Population, Fewer Idiots?

If the zombie apocalypse were to hit, who would you want to be “stuck with” in your militia of survivors? Who would be the most valuable, the least valuable?

I don’t care if he’s valuable or not. Burt is coming with me

How could anyone leave that behind?

Ideally, you’d want a mechanic, a doctor, a weapons specialist, a chef, and no old or sick people. Bear Grylls would be awesome to be with, too. However, who you get stuck with isn’t always up to you. I’d want to be stuck with Mark, obviously. He’s very practical and never fails to make me laugh. My brother Zach would be a good one, too, because he’s strong and he’s an incredible shot. He also makes me laugh. I think laughter would be an important part of survival. I’d be the chef, because I’m a really great cook, but depending on the survival of animals, I may need someone with a strong stomach to do the butchering. Another woman would be great so I wouldn’t be completely surrounded by testosterone.

And I do have to say… just because someone isn’t mentioned doesn’t mean I’d rather they be eaten by zombies. And you don’t have to defend yourself and say how you’d be useful. This is a hypothetical situation, so don’t get your panties in a bunch.

A horticulturalist would be good to have, so edible and inedible plants could be properly distinguished. A carpenter to build shelters. Lots of strong people to do digging, building, moving, etc. I could go on.

What do you think? Did I miss anyone that could be vital to survival? Who would you want to have with you?

Photo from: Me & my Macbook Pro

Review: Zombie Strippers!

Last night, Mark, after a long day of working at home due to the blizzard, decided he wanted to watch a movie. Coincidentally, I wanted to watch one too. The difference was that he likely wanted to watch an Akira Kurosawa film (I’d promised if he watched The Notebook, I’d watch 3 Kurosawa films. I have yet to fulfill this promise), while I wanted to watch something quite different. Guess who won out?

A ridiculously over the top sci-fi/military/stripper/zombie/disease movie, Zombie Strippers features former porn star Jenna Jameson and cult legend Robert Englund. Just like Planet Terror, this film is not to be taken too seriously.

Boobs and blood are the main events in Zombie Strippers, which makes this movie far from safe for children or the faint of heart.

When a zombie virus wreaks havoc on a top-secret lab and an infected gets out and breaks into a strip club, it results in women with incredible stripping skills and the desire to do nothing but take their clothes off on stage and feast on human flesh. The movie is filled with cheesy one-liners and most of the acting is just plain terrible.

The women, especially Jenna Jameson, are gorgeous until they begin to decompose, and then they get just plain nasty. The patrons don’t seem to mind that rotting corpses are dancing for dollars. The overly straight and stiff special-ops military group comes in and cleans house, putting an end to the zombie stripper bloodbath. The soundtrack is all hard metal, which isn’t necessarily the greatest dancing music, but I guess it’s the norm for horror films. The make up is actually quite fantastic.

The end gets beyond not okay and beyond gross, with feats of impossibility that throw out the laws of physics and common sense. And there’s a little trick with a few ping pong balls that is just cringe-worthy.

Would I recommend it? Not really. It’s great for a laugh and a couple of boob shots, but I found myself a little weary with its awfulness about halfway through. This was the second time I’d seen it, too, so that could be part of the problem. Perhaps watching it for the first time has a novelty to it that pushes the viewer to watch it all the way through. I’d give it a glance, but don’t go expecting much. It’s pretty damn bad.

To quote Mark, “I think this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.”

Published in: on December 27, 2010 at 7:34 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Blizzard of DEATH

Have you seen 30 Days of Night with Josh Hartnett? An Alaskan town is ripped apart and decimated by a group of vampires just as the state goes into the beginnings of that whole six months of darkness thing. This, combined with the harshness of winter, causes pretty much everyone to come to a tragic end. If I just spoiled that for you, go cry to someone who cares.

Mark and I discuss many aspects of zombie apocalypse possibilities. We talk about whether Burt is a vulnerable being, whether the house would be easily zombie-proofed (possibly) and whether we’d have enough food to survive (we would at least a few months… we have probably 80 cans of soup, among other things). One thing we’ve discussed is how climate would affect the zombie outbreak.

New England is in the midst of a Level-One Emergency Freak Out because we got a ton of snow and 60 mph winds all day yesterday and overnight. AND… it may continue today. Mark is working from home, which is great. It appears Burt hates the snow, this being his first real experience with it, and is using inside as his toilet because the snow is up to his belly and he can’t go. We forgot the driveway would be a good spot because it’s plowed. It’s okay, it’s not much of a break from the norm. He poops inside A LOT.

Anyway, how would this blizzard effect a zombie outbreak? People are stuck in one place and the roads are treacherous, so escape is a very dangerous option. This makes it seem as though a blizzard would be detrimental to survival. However, with such thick, heavy snow, it would make it difficult for the zombies to move around. And, if World War Z by Max Brooks is any indication, the zombies freeze once the temperatures reach a certain level. So, I suppose it would all depend on how the zombies move in snow.

What do you think? Would we be safe or screwed if the zombies came during a blizzard?

A Very Zombie Holiday Season

The video above is a fantastic how-to on surviving a zombie attack during the holidays. With mistletoe, cooking, and gifts to worry about, how does one find the time to do it all AND fend off flesh-eating adversaries?

The filming is really great, with all of the black and white and 1950s style. Mark found it on GSMArena and it made the both of us laugh a tad. The video makes a bunch of great points. It’s just a good little entertainment piece to keep the holidays in mind.

Remember, ladies, don’t prioritize your pies.

Published in: on December 26, 2010 at 8:29 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Review: Planet Terror

Sorry for the lack of posts these last few days. The holidays are always crazy. Though I try my best to participate as little as possible, I make my own presents and was thus chained to the kitchen for two days. I also started a part-time job in a deli that took time away from posting.

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to discuss Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror. You have to take this movie with a grain of salt. Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino, and Eli Roth are all friends and work together often. Thus, they have similar styles and senses of humor. This movie is not supposed to be serious. It’s comic book movie meets film noir meets B-rated horror movie in the sense that everything is terribly over the top.

The movie chronicles a zombie outbreak due to genetically engineered chemicals escaping a government lab. Bruce Willis and Tarantino play soldiers who need this chemical to survive after being exposed to it at some point. Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez, Fergie, and Josh Brolin all have parts in this very gory, overly dramatic film.

As long as you can get behind the fact that this is supposed to be ridiculous, it’s a pretty funny, enjoyable movie. There is a lot of blood and guts and Rose McGowan loses a leg, which is then replaced with a machine gun… because that makes all the sense in the world.

I found Freddy Rodriguez incredibly sexy in this film and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s because he’s a good looking guy, because his character kicks ass and is very mysterious, or because I have a thing for guys with dark hair & eyes (sorry Mark).

Anyway, Rodriguez released this in conjunction with Death Proof, another B-type movie about women on a road trip in an awesome car being terrorized by a guy in an equally awesome car. Lots of action, indeed. He released them together as a double feature just as they were in the 1970s. The beginning credits and such have a really awesome vintage feel, with cheesy music, too-bright colors, and terrible quality, blurry lettering. I loved it.

Do I recommend Planet Terror? Yes, absolutely. It’s ridiculously bad on purpose and that makes it awesome. It’s got style, gore, a little T&A, and some big names.

Zombie Theology

I am by no means a religious person. In fact, were I to step into a church at this very moment, I’d likely burst into flames for defiling consecrated grounds. I was raised Protestant, am agnostic at best, and believe wholeheartedly that religion needs to get the hell out of our schools and government. Practice whatever you want to, but practice what you preach. The BS about “love thy neighbor” gets pretty old when I turn on my television and see religious figures hate mongering against those of different faiths.

This morning, perusing the CNN website between my local paper and MSNBC, The New York Times, Perez Hilton, and Food Porn Daily, I came across this blog/article by John Blake:

The “Zombie Theology” Behind the Walking Dead” (not to be confused with AMC’s The Walking Dead)

The blog, for those of you too lazy to read “all dem long werds,” discusses humanity’s interest in zombies in the sense of religion. “…zombie stories grapple with common religious themes: the end of the world, resurrection and the nature of the human soul.”

Interesting. I’d never really thought of it that way before. Where religion is concerned, I am undoubtedly immediately uncomfortable. We’re talking about peoples’ faith, something that is rooted so deeply that almost nothing can change it. There is no logic or practicality in religion. There is only a very strong belief. These beliefs can become so strong, that logic, facts, and practicality can be thrown out the window if they don’t align with a person’s religious beliefs. I am the definition of logical and practical in most areas.

So, with my zombies on the line, I panicked. Was my undead world about to come crashing down, into one giant pile of allegorical Jesus-y corpses?

Thank Buddha, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, or whomever you choose… NO!

In fact, the article discusses how all of zombie lure, while invoking elements of it, directly opposes religion. While the fear of losing one’s soul and giving in to our more animalistic desires in a very violent way, the idea of an apocalypse, and resurrection are all there, the bigger themes in religion are not. There is no solace in God or “a realm of morals” in the zombie world. There is no redemption, no forgiveness. There is only the dead and you, with no God to save you and no moral guidelines to tell you what to do and what not to do.

“It is you versus them, and the more of an anti-zombie zealot you are, the better for all concerned,” University of Cincinnati English professor Rebecca Borah says. “Take them out as fast as you can at all costs because – former loved ones or not – they are the damned and you don’t want to catch it from them.”

And so, my dedication to the Church of the Undead remains intact. What do you think? How do you feel about the religious implications in zombie lure? What do you think about the opposition to religion it also holds?

Published in: on December 21, 2010 at 1:18 pm  Comments (1)  
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I Miss You, Babe… And I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing

Sorry for the Aerosmith quote. That was unnecessary.

As I washed my hair this morning, I couldn’t help but think about how nice it is to be able to have a hot shower every morning. I have very long, thick hair… without a real shower to wash it in, I’d have to cut it all off Ripley-style.

I guess if I looked this bad ass, I wouldn’t mind. But I digress.

What basic things would you miss the most in a zombie apocalypse? I’d miss hot showers. And indoor plumbing. I don’t want to poop out in the woods or in a bucket or a latrine. Not that girls poop, but, you know what I mean…

I would miss air conditioning. I love air conditioning. I don’t have it in my car, an old 1994 Jeep Grand Cherokee, so I know how terrible it can be without it. There’s nothing like having a line of boob sweat come out on your shirt for everyone to see. It feels so amazing to come into an air conditioned building after walking around in the heat outside for a while.

I’d miss the Internet and television, but as long as I had books, I think I would be relatively okay. I don’t really look at anything all that great on the Internet anyway and television is turning into quite a travesty with all of these reality shows.

I would miss washing machines. Electricity in general. Refrigeration. Running water.

What would you miss the most? And no, I’m not talking about mani-pedis or Neiman Marcus. Basic things that you use every day.

 

Photo from: http://onesixthwarriors.com

Juan of the Dead

Congratulations are in order for Cuba – they’re making their first ever zombie flick! With a $3 million budget and backing from a Spanish production company, Juan of the Dead will come out sometime next year. The movie chronicles the journey of a lazy guy named Juan who uses the zombie outbreak as a way to make money. Along with his partner, he promises to take out your zombified family in exchange for some cash. Initially, the Cuban government blames the outbreak on the CIA. It’s going to be your typical zombie movie, but with a lot of Cuban satire as well.

Here’s the CNN Article & Video

Awesome! It’s great to see other countries jumping on the zombie bandwagon. It looks like it’ll be a pretty cool film, with traditional lumbering zombies and not the kind that can somehow run quickly despite their decaying bodies. However, in one clip in the video above, they show a few zombies walking by a burned out car that are stumbling like they’re drunk. One guy is stepping forward and then back and then forward and then back… that doesn’t seem quite right. Maybe it’s just me.

Anyway, I think it’s a really cool concept. It brings together all the elements of traditional zombie films, but it also has an originality to it. That the guys are using the outbreak to make money is a great idea. I hope Cuba’s first zombie movie turns out to be good. After reading the article, reading this blog, and watching the video… what do you think? Are you excited?

Published in: on December 17, 2010 at 9:28 am  Leave a Comment  
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