Review: Zombie Strippers!

Last night, Mark, after a long day of working at home due to the blizzard, decided he wanted to watch a movie. Coincidentally, I wanted to watch one too. The difference was that he likely wanted to watch an Akira Kurosawa film (I’d promised if he watched The Notebook, I’d watch 3 Kurosawa films. I have yet to fulfill this promise), while I wanted to watch something quite different. Guess who won out?

A ridiculously over the top sci-fi/military/stripper/zombie/disease movie, Zombie Strippers features former porn star Jenna Jameson and cult legend Robert Englund. Just like Planet Terror, this film is not to be taken too seriously.

Boobs and blood are the main events in Zombie Strippers, which makes this movie far from safe for children or the faint of heart.

When a zombie virus wreaks havoc on a top-secret lab and an infected gets out and breaks into a strip club, it results in women with incredible stripping skills and the desire to do nothing but take their clothes off on stage and feast on human flesh. The movie is filled with cheesy one-liners and most of the acting is just plain terrible.

The women, especially Jenna Jameson, are gorgeous until they begin to decompose, and then they get just plain nasty. The patrons don’t seem to mind that rotting corpses are dancing for dollars. The overly straight and stiff special-ops military group comes in and cleans house, putting an end to the zombie stripper bloodbath. The soundtrack is all hard metal, which isn’t necessarily the greatest dancing music, but I guess it’s the norm for horror films. The make up is actually quite fantastic.

The end gets beyond not okay and beyond gross, with feats of impossibility that throw out the laws of physics and common sense. And there’s a little trick with a few ping pong balls that is just cringe-worthy.

Would I recommend it? Not really. It’s great for a laugh and a couple of boob shots, but I found myself a little weary with its awfulness about halfway through. This was the second time I’d seen it, too, so that could be part of the problem. Perhaps watching it for the first time has a novelty to it that pushes the viewer to watch it all the way through. I’d give it a glance, but don’t go expecting much. It’s pretty damn bad.

To quote Mark, “I think this is the worst movie I’ve ever seen.”

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Published in: on December 27, 2010 at 7:34 pm  Leave a Comment  
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Review: Planet Terror

Sorry for the lack of posts these last few days. The holidays are always crazy. Though I try my best to participate as little as possible, I make my own presents and was thus chained to the kitchen for two days. I also started a part-time job in a deli that took time away from posting.

Anyway, I’ve been meaning to discuss Robert Rodriguez’s Planet Terror. You have to take this movie with a grain of salt. Robert Rodriguez, Quentin Tarantino, and Eli Roth are all friends and work together often. Thus, they have similar styles and senses of humor. This movie is not supposed to be serious. It’s comic book movie meets film noir meets B-rated horror movie in the sense that everything is terribly over the top.

The movie chronicles a zombie outbreak due to genetically engineered chemicals escaping a government lab. Bruce Willis and Tarantino play soldiers who need this chemical to survive after being exposed to it at some point. Rose McGowan, Freddy Rodriguez, Fergie, and Josh Brolin all have parts in this very gory, overly dramatic film.

As long as you can get behind the fact that this is supposed to be ridiculous, it’s a pretty funny, enjoyable movie. There is a lot of blood and guts and Rose McGowan loses a leg, which is then replaced with a machine gun… because that makes all the sense in the world.

I found Freddy Rodriguez incredibly sexy in this film and I’m not sure why. I don’t know if it’s because he’s a good looking guy, because his character kicks ass and is very mysterious, or because I have a thing for guys with dark hair & eyes (sorry Mark).

Anyway, Rodriguez released this in conjunction with Death Proof, another B-type movie about women on a road trip in an awesome car being terrorized by a guy in an equally awesome car. Lots of action, indeed. He released them together as a double feature just as they were in the 1970s. The beginning credits and such have a really awesome vintage feel, with cheesy music, too-bright colors, and terrible quality, blurry lettering. I loved it.

Do I recommend Planet Terror? Yes, absolutely. It’s ridiculously bad on purpose and that makes it awesome. It’s got style, gore, a little T&A, and some big names.

Review: Undead

It’s been snowing since last night here in Connecticut, and without having to go to work, I’m pretty much stuck in the house. In addition to obsessively applying to jobs, eating too much, having Burt look me in the eye when he poops, and watching him the beat the crap out of Madison…

*

(homies 4 life)

…I’ll be watching crappy free OnDemand movies. While perusing the menu, I came across Undead.

**

An Australian horror-comedy, Undead tells the story of a few survivors in a tiny fishing town after meteorites turn citizens into zombies. Visually, the film is kinda cool. Until the meteors hit, the town has a tan, desaturated look that really makes the everything look like a desert. After the meteors hit, everything goes blue like every other horror movie out there.

There are some interesting corpses, especially one in the beginning that has its top half blown off so there’s just a pair of legs with half a spine sticking out the top wobbling around. There’s of course lots of gunfire and blood spatters with even more flesh eating and screaming.

The background music reminded me of music from a bad 1990s computer game that someone made on a keyboard. The origin of the zombies, the meteors, is a good change from the norm… a virus or rabies or unknown. The acting wasn’t downright Showgirls awful, but it was by no means Oscar-worthy. I think they were parodies of regular characters you’d see in films like this, so the actors went slightly over the top.

Overall, it was pretty silly and had no problem making fun of itself. I’d only recommend it if you want to sit back and just watch the ridiculousness. It’s definitely a parody of both zombie films and horror films in general.

*Photo from: ME!

**Photo from: http://joblo.com

Published in: on December 14, 2010 at 8:25 am  Leave a Comment  
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Review: World War Z

About six months ago, I read Max Brooks’ World War Z. I read it on Mark’s urgings and was rather hesitant, as his previous recommendation, Hunter S. Thompson’s Hells Angels, had me bored to tears for the first sixty pages or so. I stopped reading without even getting halfway through. This is very unlike me. I always finish a book, even if I don’t like it, and if I like it I read it again and again and again and again. And again. Times infinity.

So, did World War Z fit into this “again” category? Somewhat. I plan on reading it again. However, I am not looking forward to reading certain parts again. Unless you’re really into military stuff, like tactics and terminology and such, probably 35% of the book kind of sucks. I’m a big history buff, so I’m not totally against military information, but I was looking forward to the anecdotes much more.

The book is incredibly well-written and mostly easy to read. It’s those damn sections about army or navy or marine officials with little to no description other than how their troops surrounded something or how a certain new weapon worked. Those sections killed me and more than once I was tempted to skip over them completely. They were dry and uninteresting. However, Brooks does an amazing job writing in many different voices. His narratives are wonderfully descriptive and he takes on many different characters, who are all great contributions to make the story come alive.

If you love zombies as much as I do, you’ll read it. I enjoyed it for the most part and will probably read it over again soon. Part of this is because my books are in storage and very smelly due to the house fire I had November 7 and so I have no access to my old favorites. Mark has World War Z here and his brother is nearly finished with it, so I believe that will be my next read.

Read it. Or, if you want non-zombie-related books, ask in the comments. You’ll get a recommendation, but you will also be heavily ridiculed, because this is a zombie blog, not a book blog.

 

*Photo from: http://filmschoolrejects.com

Published in: on December 7, 2010 at 8:31 am  Leave a Comment  
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Review: Fido

So, Saturday night before we headed out to a friend’s birthday party, Mark and I watched Fido. Taking place in the 1950s after a zombie war, the film depicts a life in which zombies are used as pets and cheap labor. Timmy’s family gets a zombie, Fido, and Fido quickly becomes Timmy’s best friend. However, Timmy is put in a difficult position when Fido kills the neighbor and sets off a chain of events that lead to more citizens being zombified.

Billy Connolly did a great job as Fido, and it was difficult to tell it was actually him. Without his signature long hair and a face done in blue makeup, Mark didn’t even know it was Billy Connolly until I pointed it out. Carrie Ann Moss was wonderful as Helen, Timmy’s mother. The film was a great parody of 1950s Lassie movies and made me laugh at a few points. I was surprised at how clever the movie was.

Visually, Fido was fantastic. There wasn’t a whole lot of gore, but the zombie makeup was fantastic and the bright colors and 1950s outfits, cars, and props made the movie look cheerful. The contrast of the happy 1950s era style with the gross zombies really made the film pop.

The film also brought forth this question: Would you be comfortable living in a world populated with zombies, but the zombies wore collars to inhibit their craving for flesh? There is a corporation in charge of zombie maintenance, disposal, and policing. However, should the collar be taken off or broken, the zombie will try to eat you. For me, I think I’d rather have a dog. Despite many precautions being taken, I just don’t think I’d ever feel completely safe in a zombie-filled world.

So, would I recommend it? Totally. If you’re in the mood for a silly zombie movie, without the tension and gore, watch Fido.

 

*Photo from: http://forbiddenplanet.co.uk

Published in: on December 6, 2010 at 8:48 am  Comments (1)  
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Zombify Yourself

When beginning this blog, I tried to put up a zombified picture of myself for the avatar. I’d seen zombifying applications and decided to try one… it was much more difficult than initially imagined.

The first site, on the Zombieland film site, was incredibly difficult to use. It asked me to trace my face, but I was unable to figure out how to do so… clicking only resulted in a single point showing up and then a red triangle across half the photo. I’m assuming this is some sort of Photoshop-esque tool, but the difficulty made me give up within two minutes.

MakeMeZombie.com was by far the easiest, though the photo did not come out looking like me at all. The skin pallor was a nice green and the empty eye socket and blood around my mouth were cool, but the lines around my mouth and attempt to hollow out my cheekbones ended up making me look like a dead Chyna Laurer.

ZombieMe.com appeared to be the most promising… until I tried to add more than one zombie feature. The features appear in the upper left-hand corner and when attempting to move around the second feature, the two features were attached and moved at the same time. Nothing I did would remedy the situation, so once again I was back to the drawing board.

Most of the other sites bring you straight back to the ZombieMe application, so for now I have given up. Should anyone find a great app, please let me know… I’d love to be able to really make a great zombie me.

Published in: on November 29, 2010 at 9:23 am  Comments (1)  
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