Models & Zombies, Guns & Burt

I found this great picture on Blastr.

Very silly, but very true. The skin and bones look and the “high fashion” hunched poses that models do make them look exactly like the undead.

On another note, completely unrelated, I don’t know if Burt would survive the zombie outbreak. Mark likes to point this old, unloaded pellet gun at him and he goes nuts. Take a look:

If he does that with every gun, he’d give up our position or get into the fray during an attack. Not good.

Unfortunately, I’ve got a bit of writer’s block today. These were the things I wanted to talk about, but I find myself without words. I’ll try to revisit this later.

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Where?

Things have been crazy lately. Started a new job, the holiday season just passed. I haven’t gotten the chance to write at all and for that I’m sorry.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking a lot about places lately. What would the ideal place to wait out the zombie apocalypse? In Dawn of the Dead: stuck in a mall. While there would be many amenities, like beds and clothes, a large space, gates for fortification… what about food? I realize there are many places to eat in the food court, but it’s likely that they rely more on fresh and frozen foods rather than canned. Without any power, the freezers and refrigerators wouldn’t work and the food would go bad.

Then there’s the graphic novel of The Walking Dead, the group does not go to the CDC, but to a prison. A prison is fortified, likely has a large stash of canned food meant for the inmates, and has enough space to hold many people. There’s also probably a big stash of emergency weapons for staff in the event of a riot. Pretty good, right?

Most people would be stuck in their homes. Many homes don’t have large stocks of cans, unless they’re the type that are waiting for an impending apocalypse, like Y2K. Large windows pose a danger, as do the lack of bars and space. Some houses are also in valleys, which isn’t as desirable as on a hill. It’s more difficult to go up than down.

Mark and I have decided that, although we have too many windows and a lack of firepower, the house is relatively sound. We’re on a hill on all sides and have an unbelievable cache of canned and dry goods. We’d be okay for a month or two, I suppose.

Where would your ideal place be? Do you think your house would be a decent place to hole up?

Smaller Population, Fewer Idiots?

If the zombie apocalypse were to hit, who would you want to be “stuck with” in your militia of survivors? Who would be the most valuable, the least valuable?

I don’t care if he’s valuable or not. Burt is coming with me

How could anyone leave that behind?

Ideally, you’d want a mechanic, a doctor, a weapons specialist, a chef, and no old or sick people. Bear Grylls would be awesome to be with, too. However, who you get stuck with isn’t always up to you. I’d want to be stuck with Mark, obviously. He’s very practical and never fails to make me laugh. My brother Zach would be a good one, too, because he’s strong and he’s an incredible shot. He also makes me laugh. I think laughter would be an important part of survival. I’d be the chef, because I’m a really great cook, but depending on the survival of animals, I may need someone with a strong stomach to do the butchering. Another woman would be great so I wouldn’t be completely surrounded by testosterone.

And I do have to say… just because someone isn’t mentioned doesn’t mean I’d rather they be eaten by zombies. And you don’t have to defend yourself and say how you’d be useful. This is a hypothetical situation, so don’t get your panties in a bunch.

A horticulturalist would be good to have, so edible and inedible plants could be properly distinguished. A carpenter to build shelters. Lots of strong people to do digging, building, moving, etc. I could go on.

What do you think? Did I miss anyone that could be vital to survival? Who would you want to have with you?

Photo from: Me & my Macbook Pro

Twitter & Facebook

Hey, ZomReaders, don’t forget to follow on Twitter @TheZomBlog! Also, yesterday I set up the fan page for TheZomBlog if there are actually any fans out there. I can’t figure out how to get the button on the site, because the two codes Facebook generated didn’t work. You can search for it and “Like” it. You’ll be able to tell it’s the real deal because there will probably be no fans. C’est la vie!

Blizzard of DEATH

Have you seen 30 Days of Night with Josh Hartnett? An Alaskan town is ripped apart and decimated by a group of vampires just as the state goes into the beginnings of that whole six months of darkness thing. This, combined with the harshness of winter, causes pretty much everyone to come to a tragic end. If I just spoiled that for you, go cry to someone who cares.

Mark and I discuss many aspects of zombie apocalypse possibilities. We talk about whether Burt is a vulnerable being, whether the house would be easily zombie-proofed (possibly) and whether we’d have enough food to survive (we would at least a few months… we have probably 80 cans of soup, among other things). One thing we’ve discussed is how climate would affect the zombie outbreak.

New England is in the midst of a Level-One Emergency Freak Out because we got a ton of snow and 60 mph winds all day yesterday and overnight. AND… it may continue today. Mark is working from home, which is great. It appears Burt hates the snow, this being his first real experience with it, and is using inside as his toilet because the snow is up to his belly and he can’t go. We forgot the driveway would be a good spot because it’s plowed. It’s okay, it’s not much of a break from the norm. He poops inside A LOT.

Anyway, how would this blizzard effect a zombie outbreak? People are stuck in one place and the roads are treacherous, so escape is a very dangerous option. This makes it seem as though a blizzard would be detrimental to survival. However, with such thick, heavy snow, it would make it difficult for the zombies to move around. And, if World War Z by Max Brooks is any indication, the zombies freeze once the temperatures reach a certain level. So, I suppose it would all depend on how the zombies move in snow.

What do you think? Would we be safe or screwed if the zombies came during a blizzard?

I Miss You, Babe… And I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing

Sorry for the Aerosmith quote. That was unnecessary.

As I washed my hair this morning, I couldn’t help but think about how nice it is to be able to have a hot shower every morning. I have very long, thick hair… without a real shower to wash it in, I’d have to cut it all off Ripley-style.

I guess if I looked this bad ass, I wouldn’t mind. But I digress.

What basic things would you miss the most in a zombie apocalypse? I’d miss hot showers. And indoor plumbing. I don’t want to poop out in the woods or in a bucket or a latrine. Not that girls poop, but, you know what I mean…

I would miss air conditioning. I love air conditioning. I don’t have it in my car, an old 1994 Jeep Grand Cherokee, so I know how terrible it can be without it. There’s nothing like having a line of boob sweat come out on your shirt for everyone to see. It feels so amazing to come into an air conditioned building after walking around in the heat outside for a while.

I’d miss the Internet and television, but as long as I had books, I think I would be relatively okay. I don’t really look at anything all that great on the Internet anyway and television is turning into quite a travesty with all of these reality shows.

I would miss washing machines. Electricity in general. Refrigeration. Running water.

What would you miss the most? And no, I’m not talking about mani-pedis or Neiman Marcus. Basic things that you use every day.

 

Photo from: http://onesixthwarriors.com

I’m Hungry

I’ve thought a lot about who I’d want to eat first if I were a zombie. I think the people who’d taste the best would be people who I can’t stand. Sarah Palin. Glenn Beck. Michael Vick. Anne Coulter. I would start with the toes and work my way up, letting them watch as I slowly gnawed on their appendages. But who first?

Today, I found who I wanted to chew to death first. We’ll call her Tuesday, for C U Next Tuesday. If you don’t know what that means, Google it.

On November 7, my house caught fire and most of it was completely unsalvageable. Art, books, childhood treasures, my laptop, furniture… all gone. One of the books was a fiction textbook I rented at the beginning of the year. For $35, I could use the book for the semester and return it in late December. Well, it’s mid-December and I can’t return the book because it’s gone.

I just graduated. I don’t make a lot of money at my part-time job, and finding a full-time job is proving IMPOSSIBLE. I work in a school system, so I’m about to have a three-week-long, unpaid hiatus for holiday break. Long story short, I’m broke as hell and can’t pay $80+ for a replacement book.

I called the bookstore several times. I left a voicemail. No one ever picked up the phone and my voicemail went unreturned for a week. Today, after handing in my thesis, I went to the bookstore to see if there was something they could do to help me. The exchange went as follows:

Me: Can I please speak to someone in charge?
Tuesday: Regarding?
Me: (I explain my house, inability to replace the book)
T: Sheila: You gave a credit card when you rented the book, it’ll be charged to that.
Me: That’s my debit card, and I can’t afford that right now. Can someone work with me on this?
T: We rented you the book on the condition that you would return it.
Me: My house burned down.
T: We’ll charge it to your card.
Me: I need help, I can’t pay that right now. My house burned down. You can’t help me out?
T: We’ll charge it to your card.
Me: That’s f***ed up.

I leave

I haven’t been so pissed in a LONG time. I wanted to jump across the counter and go for the jugular. What is wrong with this lady? The bolded text above made me angriest. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have rented the book if my house was going to catch fire. I AM SO SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW MY HOUSE WAS GOING TO BURN DOWN!

I would love to knock her down, render her incapacitated, and go to town. If only I was a zombie and could’ve done that. If only she wasn’t such an old C U Next Tuesday. Forget Palin, Beck, Coulter, and Vick… someone will get them out of the way for me. This one is #1 if I ever go zombie.

Is there anyone you can think of that you would want to eat first if you were a zombie? Tell who and why in the comments!

Does Zombification Heal the Masses?

I’m terribly sorry for the lack of a post yesterday… circumstances I couldn’t control prevented me from writing.

So, I was thinking about zombies and diseases/handicaps lately. According to many movies and books, those who are paraplegic and are then zombified do not magically regain movement in their legs. An armless man does not grow a new arm. Those are physical issues that cannot be cured via zombification.

Other afflictions, like autism or Down’s syndrome would also probably not be cured. Despite the fact that the attributes that make humans human would be killed off, these things are in the brain, which according to most accounts, stays relatively active. So are zombies that had mental disorders in their human lives different from other zombies? Or do they become exactly like everyone else?

But what about cancer? Or HIV? Are the zombies still afflicted with these diseases? Likely not, as their bodies and their cells are dead, so the cells of the cancer and HIV were probably killed as well. Apparently, a leukemia patient in Berlin was cured of HIV with two separate stem cell transplants by the same donor, who had an HIV-resistant gene. Read the article here. So, introducing new cells can eliminate the disease. This is a huge breakthrough and a possible cure for HIV. Would eliminating the cells altogether also eliminate the disease? Is becoming a zombie another possible cure for the diseases that afflict the human race?

And if it didn’t, would having such a disease effect the way the zombie works? Would it be any different?

I’m by no means saying that being a zombie is better than being a human, HIV/cancer or not. However, it would be very interesting to be able to explore the qualities of zombie-ness in conjunction with disease.

I’m not really sure why I’m so interested, really. This is probably offensive and I just don’t realize it. I’m not a science-y person by any means, but this blog has brought on a lot of thought about zombies, about the human race, and about what’s wrong and right with the world as it is.

What do you think? Would becoming a zombie cure disease? Or am I just out of my mind?

Has Burt been bitten?

As Mark and I lay in bed one of the many mornings we have spent laying in bed, Burt spent his time sitting between us, vigorously licking one of Mark’s ears. He will sit there doing this for ten solid minutes if Mark lets him. He will then switch to the other ear, just to make sure he’s done a thorough job.

After the ears, he usually goes for Mark’s hands and arms. At this point, he gets bitey. He gnaws on our fingers, and I have the bruises on my arms to prove that he gets way too rough. He sometimes goes for Mark’s nose. Sometimes he tries to eat my hair.

With all of this licking and biting, it got us wondering: has Burt been bitten? He seems to be doing an awful lot of tasting. Could animals be turned into zombies? There are very few diseases that can go from dog to human or vice versa… would zombification be one of them? Or would it be like Black Sheep, where genetically modified sheep turn violent… only with dogs? Or Resident Evil-style Dobermans?

All I know is that Burt seems to be testing out the waters. He apparently finds Mark especially delicious, because Mark receives 80% of the licks and bites. We’ll have to keep you updated on any changes…

Blood-thirsty killer. Photo by me.

Foodology

I love food. Who doesn’t love food? Kate Moss, that’s who. The biggest problem in surviving a zombie apocalypse is not how to fend off the undead, but how to avoid dying of starvation. There are expiration dates on canned goods and, as we learned in Zombieland, there is an expiration date on Twinkies, too. Eventually, canned food would go bad or run out, and people would be left in a situation like The Road in which there is literally NO FOOD.

I shudder to think about that.

Unlike The Road, though, plant life would survive, so fruits and vegetables would likely still be a part of people’s diets. However, growing fruits and vegetables requires farming and farming requires staying in one spot. This could be a problem. And, unless you travel down South where it never gets cold, you’re looking at very long winters.

As for hunting and fishing, it all depends on what sort of zombies these are. If they’re the kind that leave animals alone and go solely for human flesh, you’re golden. However, if they’re the kind that will eat any living creature, you’re looking at the possible extinction of many animals that people could live on, like cows, chickens, deer, pigs, etc.

And would zombies try to eat fish? Would they tread through the waters of the rivers to grab some salmon? Their poor motor skills would probably make that impossible, but you never know.

I, for one, would miss a lot of foods were there to be a zombie apocalypse. Waffles. Sushi. Pizza. French bread. Butter. This:

Godly Goodness

Without electricity and the ability to harvest and refine wheat, there would be no bread. NO BREAD! I am a huge carb addict, and this thought terrifies me. Cookies? Gross, I won’t miss that crap. A giant baguette with butter? How could I ever live without it?! I am such a fat kid, it’s not even funny. But, in a zombie apocalypse, I would have to. We’d all have to.

So, what food would you miss the most after the end of the world?

 

Photo from: http://esa.org